I know who they are, but who am I?

In your efforts to build relationships with your students, be sure to maintain your status as their teacher.

By Kristi Johnson Smith · Commentary and sidebar notes by Lindy Norman

Notes

As you read this essay, here are some questions for new teachers to consider and for mentors to discuss with new teachers.

Questions for new teachers

1. Smith describes the “fine line between professional status and personal relationships” with students. On which side of the line do you most often find yourself? Which aspects of this balancing act do you find the most difficult?
2. Do you agree with Smith’s assessment of student-faculty relationships? If not, what aspects of her discussion do you challenge?
3. When you think back of teachers you had that you most respected, how would you describe their relationship with students? Were they an “established adult” as Smith describes or did they sometimes what she calls a “pseudo-friend?”
4. Smith notes that students want an authority who listens. What would that look like in your classroom? Think of interactions you’ve had this past week with your students. Have you conveyed a “clear sense of your professional identity?” Are there any changes you’d like to make to either re-establish your authority or to more clearly convey a sense of caring?

Questions for mentors

See our mentor’s guide for suggestions on using this article in small and large group discussions.

1. New teachers, especially younger teachers, can sometimes struggle with the boundary between themselves and their students. Why might this be?
2. How can you tell a new teacher has not embraced his or her position of authority? Describe some of the behaviors demonstrated by a teacher that has crossed the line Smith defined.
3. How can you convey the importance of “hearing and respecting rather than sharing” experiences with students? How could you use this article as a catalyst for a conversation with a new teacher or group of new teachers?

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The First Year

Essays on the author's experiences in her first year of teaching: the mistakes she made, what she learned from them, and how she used them to become a better teacher — and how other first-year teachers can, too.

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I have written a lot about the importance of building relationships with students. What I haven’t told you is that some of my earliest attempts to establish those relationships were absolutely unsuccessful. The truth is that a teacher trying to connect might be completely rebuffed.

I haven’t told you about the words I heard from Amanda — or what I learned as a result.

Before introducing her, allow me to defend my intentions. I was a new teacher, determined to connect with my students. I wanted to show those students that I respected them and their perspectives. I wanted them to recognize my attempts to relate to their experiences in school.

In an effort to accomplish those goals — and to establish camaraderie with students — I decided to refuse several privileges afforded only to faculty. I used the student restroom instead of the much nicer teacher facilities. I graded in green ink, determined to avoid the authoritarian stigma associated with a teacher’s hated red pen.

I thought my students would see these efforts as attempts to connect with them and their experience in our school community. I thought they would appreciate someone who acted less like a teacher and more like an advocate — one who cared about both their education and their personal perspectives on school.

But Amanda didn’t see things that way. I overheard her words to a classmate as I was leaving the student restroom one day after third period. “It’s bad enough that we have to be with those teachers four periods a day — five days a week — in their classrooms. Can’t we at least go to the bathroom in our own personal space?”

Oops. Not my intention.

Amanda and her classmates wanted me to use the faculty restroom. Many wanted me to grade in red like all of the other teachers so they could resume writing with their favorite green pens.¹ In other words, they wanted me to be the adult, in an adult role, with an adult’s sense of personal boundaries. I was their teacher. It was insulting of me to imply that I could completely share their perspective. They needed an authority who listened, not one who denied her real position in an effort to be more like the students. They needed a teacher, not a pseudo-friend.

In words that stung, Amanda reminded me that students are most comfortable with teachers who have a clear sense of their own professional identities. To build a relationship with her and her classmates, I needed to acknowledge who I was and the limits of our connection. I was a teacher, with all of the associated roles and responsibilities. I would be contacting parents and guardians about misbehavior. I would be assigning homework. I would be calculating course grades. I would be making some decisions that were unpopular, but were — from my adult perspective — in the best interest of each of my students. If I presented myself sincerely, acknowledging that actions in each of those realms would be conducted in a fair manner with each student’s perspective in mind, we could begin building relationships. Those relationships would grow when I demonstrated that as a teacher — and in appropriate ways as a person — I would listen and care.

Relationships that start out rocky can be recovered. Amanda and I connected later that semester — after I established myself as a teacher who acknowledged both my role and my limitations and accepted her as a student whose experience needed to be heard and respected rather than shared.

But as teachers, we must tread a fine line between professional status and personal relationships with the individuals in our classes. When deciding how much of your students’ worlds to enter, keep in mind that they benefit from the guidance that comes from your world perspective. Connect in ways that allow you to listen, and on occasion, engage with their experience. But remember that while your relationships benefit from those moments of association, they also benefit from acknowledgement that you are different people, with different outlooks and different roles.

In other words, as teachers, we have to remember two things when building relationships with students in our classes. We must remember to respect them for who they are and who are on their way to becoming. And we must remember to respect our role as their teacher — an established adult who still listens and cares.

Notes

1. I now require students to submit all formal assignments in pencil, in blue or black ink, or as typed papers because I want to prepare them to submit collegiate and professional documents. See “Where are they now? And where are they going?” for a discussion of other ways to encourage students to take a more professional approach to their assignments. [return]