OrganizationThe writer has organized his response into a five-paragraph essay. The paper has a distinct beginning, middle, and ending. The paper progresses smoothly, and it exhibits completeness. The writer's strong point is his transitions between paragraphs. To view specific comments, position your cursor over highlighted text or paragraph numbers. |
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The reasoning of a child may seem outlandish at times, their imaginations running wild. Most children seem to reason with the heart, fight for the underdog, and provide unwavering support. The essay by Elizabeth Woodman seems to illustrate that very point. Her essay deals with a very real problem, deer. Deer seem to be invading towns more and more, eating the vegetation, standing in the road, and creating heated debates on how to solve the problem. The young boy, Spencer has his heart set on this debate. He seems to exude a boyhood confidence, an assurance that his view is right. In doing so, Spencer reveals a great flaw in human nature, selfishness. |
The first paragraph ends with a thesis statement directing the reader to look for mankind's selfishness revealed by a child. |
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| 2
Spencer is fighting for the deer. When all the adults are debating over the aspects of the problem, Spencer is busy creating a solution. When all the adults are name-calling and taking sides, Spencer remains quiet. When all the adults are deciding who is wrong and who is right, Spencer is doing what is right. |
The second paragraph opens with a straightforward statement. No transition is needed, because the statement is so matter-of-fact and the following setences build on one another. |
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Surely it is Spencer's childhood innocence that makes him side with Bambi. "Look how innocent they are," exclaimed Spencer, "Look at what we do to their habitat." And Spencer's solution to the problem is to "[create] a safe haven," a place "to get away from it all." Both ideas seem to be brought on by an unrealistic boyhood fantasy. Spencer has not thought through both sides. He isn't thinking about the damage to the gardens or how his mother cried "over the stubbly remains of devoured tomato vines and bean stalks." He isn't thinking about the car repair payments resulting from a head-on collision with a dear. He isn't thinking about himself. |
The third paragraph follows nicely as a response to the previous paragraph. Organization is obvious throughout as the writer's ideas progress. |
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There is an old saying that "every time you point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at you," Spencer realizes, before all of the adults, that he has to give up his selfishness. Spencer is not concerned with the cost of damage that the deer bring to society because he says, "that's a problem but it's our problem, not theirs." When all others are thinking about themselves, Spencer is thinking about the deer. He is thinking for the deer because he knows they are not reasoning for themselves. They are not standing in the road and eating tomato plants out of spite. The deer are not trying to do harm to the humans, they are just surviving. Spencer realizes that it was not the deer's choice to wander into the city, but man's choice to expand and intrude on their habitat. |
The fourth paragraph again is a response and continues to build on the idea of not thinking about oneself. |
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5
Spencer's mother admires the "sureness of her son's views" and the way "his reverence of nature trumps the practical," but she should also admire his lack of selfishness. Spencer put the thoughts of others, in this case an animal's in front of his own, and we say that children are outlandish? |
The writer ties the final sentence to the introduction. |
This introductory sentence draws the reader into thought about children and their "outlandishness." This idea is carried through the paper and surfaces as the final comment to the reader — a nice technique.